Hawking the Scene

What Time Is This?

The other day my friend asked me, “What time is it?” and I responded, “What time is what?” without thinking.  What is the it in the question? 

I googled “what time is it” and the search returned my local time as well as the current time in a few other major U.S. cities.  I searched deeper into the query and could not find an answer.  It has to stand for something.  It is a pronoun – it replaces a noun.  So what is it? 

Questions like “What time is it starting” make sense.  It replaces the event you’ve already been talking about:

      “Let’s go see Avatar tonight.”  

    “What time is it playing?”

The only logical conclusion I could come up with is that it stands for the present time.  "What is the present time?"  That makes sense.  But you wouldn’t say, “What time is the present time?”  

“What time is it?” could also just be a rearranging of the question, “What is the time?” with it replacing time and then redundantly repeating the noun you’ve just replaced with a pronoun.

But if it is replacing “this present time,” wouldn't you ask, “What time is this present time?” 

In that case, wouldn’t it make more sense to just ask, “What time is this?” 

I'm not ill. How is yourself?

I was recently at an interview where my interviewer responded to my greeting with, “I’m well, yourself?”  I was briefly taken aback because he not only uttered two of my pet peeves, but he also broke two remedial grammar rules using a mere three words and lost a lot of my respect in the process. This is the sort of language I expect to hear from my 14-year old niece on Facebook, not the Vice President of a respected agency.  

 I am not going to explain the use of linking verbs, predicate adjectives and reflective pronouns here; but rather ask the appropriate way to proceed with this formal conversation.  My friend Hollis and I were debating the issue last week.  Do you:

a.)    continue using the incorrect grammar that he introduced in the beginning of the interview?

b.)    use correct grammar throughout, regardless?

Hollis believes I should have used correct grammar throughout, which I did.  However, after the interview I wondered whether that was the correct decision.  My interviewer continued to use the word yourself incorrectly as a personal pronoun all through the interview and I didn’t follow his lead.  Because of this, is it possible that he thought that I wasn’t speaking properly?

 Dissecting, as I always do, I thought, Was he silently judging me as I was judging him?  Did he check me off his list of contenders because he wrongly thought I was misusing pronouns?  Why was his tie so loud?  Did my stubbornness just cost me a job?  What should I have for lunch today?  The first of these four questions echoed in my head as I removed my tie in preparation of planting my face into a burrito bowl from Chipotle.

Normally I would never question my judgment or dumb down my grammar, but in these times of employment hardship, it’s necessary to examine the entire process.  In the meantime, “I’m not ill.  How is yourself?”   

Thoughts?

Dear Red States:

 

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven

Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush

Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

Where Are The Rosa Parks of Today?

A friend of mine and I got into a debate about Gay Marriage last night.  While we're both for Gay Marriage, we disagreed on the timing (legality, human rights, fairness, religion to be discussed at a later date).  He feels that the issue is being pushed too quickly, too soon.  I just want to know if he'd say the same thing to Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk, the brave men of Stonewall or any of the other common individuals who have made a difference in the world

I understand why the Democratic ticket cannot take such a full-fledged stance...they will lose.  But it's not up to them.  It's up to the people.  It starts with the people.  Politics and legislation begins with the people.  People are willing to stand up anymore.  Everyone is willing to give up their seat on the front of the bus.  Where are the Rosa Parks of today?
W

Things That Make Me Scowl

While I'm generally a positive person, there are times when a scowl is definitely appropriate.  These are some those times (in no particular order):

• Not grasping remedial grammar.
  • Seriously, is it that difficult to distinguish your from you’re? It’s also not proper to say, “I’m fine, yourself?” Would you say, “Is yourself fine?” No, you wouldn’t. By the way, it’s “definitely” not “definately”, “weird” not “wierd” and it’s “a lot” not “a lot.” (The list goes on and on). Don’t even get me started with the words gurl, boi and kewl. Cuz boi, myself thinks your so not kewl.
• Jean shorts on men.
  • The only thing worse than jean shorts is a pair of black jean shorts. Enough said.
• Muffin tops.
  • Ladies, ladies, please. If your stomach is hanging out of the bottom of shirt, your shirt is not long enough.
• Bad hygiene on public transportation.
  • Contrary to your belief, I don’t enjoy your fetid armpit in my face. Nor do I enjoy your bacterial breath at 8am.
• Loud cell phone talking in public.
  • I honestly don’t care to hear about how you want to slash the tires of the guy who gave you crabs (true story). Nor does anybody else. And put your phone on silent/vibrate. Nobody wants to hear your Kanye West ringtone, either. No, seriously.
• Suburbanites who take over the city.
  • Really? Are you really going to walk around with your fanny pack, Mickey Mouse sweatshirt (with obligatory muffin top) and frosted, permed hair, taking pictures of the Macy’s sign and then get mad at me when I politely ask to pass you and your friends, who are walking 5 people wide, while I’m on my one-hour lunch break? Or are you really going to get mad at me when I smash into you because you stop dead on a BUSY city sidewalk without checking to see if anyone is behind you?
• Christians who try to pawn their beliefs onto me and our government.
  • Quit trying to change the government and my life because of your beliefs. Your beliefs are your own. They are not mine. Believe in what you want to believe in.  I’ll believe in what I want to believe in. That’s the beauty of America.
• People on reality TV who ‘pray to God’ to win competitions.
  • As if God wouldn’t have anything better to do than to help an egomaniacal, faux-celebrity. I guess war and famine should take a back seat to your selfish needs.
• Pretentious people who say “usage” instead of “use” or “St. Louis” instead of “shit-hole”.
• When parents don’t control their kids and they use the excuse, “oh they’re just kids.” NO, they’re the spawns of Satan. Now DO YOUR JOB.
• Pacific Islanders requesting me as a friend on social networking sites. Who are you?
• Moving your lips while reading.
• My referring to her dog as my sister.
• People who go ballistic when their sports team wins, as if they were a part of the team.
• Not leaving me a message and then getting mad when I don’t call you back.
• People with nothing better to do than complain.
  • Oh wait….